In January of 2025 the US imposed tariffs on oil, steel and aluminum from Canada and since then negotiations have begun between state actors. Here's a few friendly tips for solutions that may not have been brought up thus far:
1) Trade Alberta for California. If the US can't clear those folks out, we'll take the Hamptons and Martha's Vineyard as well then. You get to keep the Albertans, and you may as well because most of them already all have US passports. Both parties will pay for the construction of a small two lane bridge from Salt Spring Island in Vancouver to Catalina Island in Los Angeles.
2) Send Ottawa half the USAID money and you can tariff Canadians all you want, we'll be able to afford it.
3) Why is there a Tesla physical presence in London but not in Toronto or Kingston? They're both on fresh water and move the one in London to Cardiff.
4) A tunnel to the UK has to start in Canada not from the US because: physics. Don't make us burn down your White House again. Play nice.
5) If our demands are met we can begin to discuss how a technology transfer can be implemented to fix your watery tasteless beer.
6) As cool as rockets look in Florida, what doesn't look better with a good light show. Launch them from the Arctic at night, during an Aurora. We'll trade this for Vermont and upstate New York except Buffalo and Tonawanda. You should keep these for cultural significance, and the old Hooker Chemical plant at Love Canal is worse than Chernobyl.
7) Krispy-Kremes, the notorious weapon of mass destruction, must go. This is not negotiable. What were you people thinking?
8) We cede the conversion of the Pharma industry to a Mushroom Farming industry and are happy to join the US HHS efforts.
9) Working with Macron we have coordinated a tariff on Macrons. Prime Minister Macron says Macrons account for 97% of the Macrons consumed in the continental United States. These will now cost you 10X as much as before, but they're only 2X what you used to pay FOB Montreal. Think about that next time you get the munchies. You can get 5x as many for the same price. Mrs. Macron makes them btw, that wasn't a typo on the box, they're really Macron's macrons. Your country would be lost without these, you and I both know that.
10) Stop it with the relief for polar bears, they're breeding out of control. We'll trade you rugs for tins of Alaskan Salmon. Come and get them soon please, if people knew what they smell like, they would quite happily turn the rest into rugs. Imagine a 9 foot skunk that eats fish.
